Monday, January 28, 2008

Local Band Ablaze

Fresh from a night of rocking The Jinx in Savannah, the All Night Drug Prowling Wolves hit the road early on Sunday in anticipation of arriving back home to Atlanta. What happened next, no one could have expected.

Sources are slowly coming forward to reveal there was a sinister plot brewing to keep the boys from getting home in one piece. As soon as reaching the town of Dublin, the rockers fell victim to an explosive car bomb.

What we're now learning is that rival band, Gentlemen Jesse and His Men, ignited the bomb. Obviously peeved by the Wolves insistance on playing an encore the evening before (a blatant attempt at scene-stealing), Jesse put together an elaborate scheme to shut the rival rockers up. Little did he know, one of his own Men was in the Wolves van - and because of his small stature could have been the first to blow.

However, thanks to Mlo's quick thinking and extensive mechanic experience, all musicians and equipment were removed from the van before the explosion lit up HWY-16.

Authorities and firefighters worked the scene, where all charred remains have been taken into custody. We expect there will be charges filed.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Wonders of the Web

This is Sylvester Stallone's (a.k.a Rambo's) mom.
She should probably consider some plastic surgery.

Separated at Birth

We're having some difficulty deciphering whether we should be concerned about one of our favorite local scenesters. However, with anorexia and pot smoking on the rise, it's not worth taking any chances here. It appears local rockstar Mlo's head is shrinking!

We're not sure if the lost size has been transferred to Ben and Joe's very large mugs, or if it's just lost somewhere in the Earl. What we do know is he's gonna have a rough ass time getting that giant cider in his itty bitty mouth.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Local Atlantan Breaks World Record

It's true, hard to believe. But after an exuberant number of submissions (THIRTEEN), The Guinness Book of World Records has released that a new record has been set. We're pleased and proud to announce that one of Atlanta's own has accomplished what no other could without a very specific genetic nucleotide..."World's Longest Nose"! This is obviously a product of selective breeding and we'll be sure to keep you apprised of any new genetic recombinations and linkages.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Bret Michaels Cancels Rick's Birthday

It appears that Bret Michael's new quest for love has had a devastating effect on Lay Down Mains guitarist, Rickky. With its immense awesomeness, the second season premiere of Rock of Love has caused half the city to take to their TV sets, totally disregarding Rickky's big three-five. In fact, a recent party made in Rick's honor took a drastic turn when Michaels came onto the scene. All attendees scoffed at Rick's attempt for a steak dinner, opting instead to wear bandanas and drink Bret's Brew.

But, according to a secret source, the lack of interest in Rick's Birthday comes not from Bret's new babes, but rather from the city's disgust at Rickky's recent appointment to Second in Command of the Macon based Kneeloons. Looks like Rickky's tour may just have ended here.

Two Lonely Hearts

Late last week, two local musicians survived three days stranded in a cave without booze, clean Dickies shirts, or their guitars. They apparently bid their time by writing new lyrics for thier band, such as the soon-to-be #62 hit below:

The forest is green
and I am white.
I'm so sad
there's no El Myr tonight.

When asked what they did to keep warm, both looked at each other and winked. Seems we don't really want to know.

Close Call!

This just in! Four highly recognizable faces were overcome with toxic pot smoke during a recent trip to the Mountains. After several close calls at the Transylvania County Health Clinic (including a Herpes scare), the foursome headed back to the cabin to relax and repeatedly watch I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.

Despite the continuous on-slot of gayness, they did not escape unharmed. Within a few hours, strange effects began to emerge. What, you ask? Well, almost simultaneously they had the sudden urge to put on their pajamas and break out some reggae jams. The secretly taped footage (hence the awkward angle) can be seen below. It was later rumored they all engaged in a nude eating binge, but no proof has been found.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Thursday, January 3, 2008

How Many....

Ching Chong's does it take to fulfill one Brit Brit?


It appears Ben-j-scene's new testosterone injections have caused him to develop an affliction for "The Beneath My Wings" and a miniature erection. Apparently all blow-job simulations point to Yes!

Bangin' In Da Hood

The latest hairstyle from Ponce to Ponce appears to be bangs-n-bangs. You see what we see muthafuckers?

Award Time

We at ATLWeekly like giving. This years gift goes to "Hustla of the Year". Here ya go, keep on givin' Shirly Jean!

Reebok or Retard?

We thought Reeboks lost their pump in the 80's, but apparently their aerobic capacity have made a cumback.

Which ATLrockster is keeping their jazzersize juices a'flowin. Find out after the jump.

Yep, that would be 1 Matt-T Weave.

Pearl Necklace

We thought pearl necklaces were made of white, but apparently when projected out the other end, they cum black. Here is proof: