Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Porn Pokes the Scene


Recent speculation of rocker T-Chung and his pornography past has sent the local music scene into damage control mode. Scattering to keep this frontman and his bandmates from fading into a pool of saturated controversy, the community is gathering together to show support for local favorites The Selmanaires. However, since this story broke, some disloyal cowards are trying to make a buck out of any-and-all scandalous Chung images. We encourage everyone to just grow up and concentrate on what's most important, the music.

Mail Bag - A Letter from ATL's Bloodiest Threat

To whom it may concern,

May I begin that the Criplantans organization understands and appreciates the role that ATLWeekly plays in our hood. We also, whole heartedly, believe in the media's unquestionable right to report on the news as it sees fit, without fear of censure.

However, the members of the Criplantans request, that in the future, no "identifiable" photographs of members be published. We feel that the recent article, "Pop!Pop!," a fair and accurate account of recent gang activity, went to far in publishing current photos of active gang members.

This request is honestly made with the safety of members and their families in mind. The Criplantans look forward to the future of these SE ATL streets we call home. We believe in the future of our brotherhood and ATLWeekly Magazine, and the great things we can accomplish as a community.

Besides... we know where you bitches live.

Sincerely,

Delicious Benjamin Love
Criplantans

P.S. We also think y'all bitches is hot, so holla!

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Pop! Pop!

There's a turf war rising up in the back streets of the ATL. Seems the city folks are angry at Decatur for letting peeps drink 'til 4am. What started as an innocent egging of Trackside has now turned into a full blown conflict. And it looks like things are about to get worse...


Two Criplantans were seen at the Walmart on Howell Mill stocking up on new Ammo. Guess they really want those Dick-haters to know 2am is it! Watch your back, people. Your antique stores and Ruby Tuesdays ain't got nothing on Atlantic Station.

American Loser

Today at ATL headquarters, Fantasia Barino has stopped by and is belting out tracks in another room preparing for her upcoming tour. Our office is typically flushed with informants, today being no exception. One of our whistle-blowers, now deaf too, had the following synopsis of her vocal ability..."it's like a wild horse being stabbed over and over". We agree.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Duluth Hookers Revealed

Everyone remembers the prostitution ring that wreaked havoc amongst Duluth residents back in January of last year. Loud parties, sexily clad women in the driveway, constant cUMings and goings...but it wasn't till den madams, "Melissa Wolf" (former Penthouse Pet) and "Naughty Nikki" got busted on the www for advertising services that ranged from $300 one-hour photo shoots to "dream dates" that included 1 hour sHOws...that feces hit the fan (run-on-sentence).

The Sugarloaf Country Club mansion was raded and months later these LET.ME.SUCK.YOU.RAW residents were indicted on drug, prostitution, and racketeering charges. Oddly enough you thought this story was over...until now.

Exclusively we've learned that top ATL HO-NO's KHutch and LizBo have been questioned by authorities in connection with this ring. Incriminating photos of their excapades were seized when the APD invaded their homes, and we must say, we're pretty convinced these laIDes have definitely been poking someone-not-right's pickle.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Morning Aches


The Three-Legged Cowboy Club reunited last night for their annual manhole meeting at The Earl. Spies snapped a shot of the events' most flavorful attention-grabbers. After this pic was taken, we're told they backed-up to the bar where they deep-throated Sex on the Beach shooters, then rushed over to Traders for their Buy-One-Take-3/4-Off Sale.

Lip Augmentation?

Is it just us, or are these two having work done?

Sign This Shit


You'd think it was 1908 and we were still makin' snake juice in backwoods moonshine stills. But it ain't. It's 2008 and we need to get us some beer on Sundays.

If not for the comment below alone, please sign the petition HERE to allow for Sunday alcohol sales:

"We're clearly going to respond. We have to," said Georgia Christian Coalition President Jim Beck. "We will obviously be letting everybody know the death merchants are back at work."

Do they not know that we're still up Sunday morning so technically it's still Saturday to us!

Sign it.

Who's More Hood?




-----OR-----







As rival gangs continue to stir up trouble, Atlantans are being forced to pick sides. The city is way scared. These bad motherfuckers are obviously threatening and capable of imposing grave danger on innocent civilians. Be careful out there.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Whose Got Atlanta's Biggest Bulge?

We sited this local Atlantanite leaving the Golds Gym in Duluth on Tuesday night and couldn't help but notice that his muscles are pumping. We're sure he's put in long hours of hard work, and that steroids have not been a factor. Can you recognize who owns these muscle-pulsing-tan-rocks-of-steal? Find out who after the jump.

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That's right, a drastic change from his normal streetwear look, P. Hill really goes to great lengths to keep his bod undercover. We predict these efforts are for warding off the voluptuous rock star types that he is constantly in contact with. Which look do you prefer? Should P.Hill keep it covered or take it all off?

Wonders of the Web

Sick Circus Tricks. Make a Donation. http://english.savechinastigers.org/

Monday, January 28, 2008

Local Band Ablaze

Fresh from a night of rocking The Jinx in Savannah, the All Night Drug Prowling Wolves hit the road early on Sunday in anticipation of arriving back home to Atlanta. What happened next, no one could have expected.

Sources are slowly coming forward to reveal there was a sinister plot brewing to keep the boys from getting home in one piece. As soon as reaching the town of Dublin, the rockers fell victim to an explosive car bomb.


What we're now learning is that rival band, Gentlemen Jesse and His Men, ignited the bomb. Obviously peeved by the Wolves insistance on playing an encore the evening before (a blatant attempt at scene-stealing), Jesse put together an elaborate scheme to shut the rival rockers up. Little did he know, one of his own Men was in the Wolves van - and because of his small stature could have been the first to blow.


However, thanks to Mlo's quick thinking and extensive mechanic experience, all musicians and equipment were removed from the van before the explosion lit up HWY-16.

Authorities and firefighters worked the scene, where all charred remains have been taken into custody. We expect there will be charges filed.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Wonders of the Web


This is Sylvester Stallone's (a.k.a Rambo's) mom.
She should probably consider some plastic surgery.

Separated at Birth



We're having some difficulty deciphering whether we should be concerned about one of our favorite local scenesters. However, with anorexia and pot smoking on the rise, it's not worth taking any chances here. It appears local rockstar Mlo's head is shrinking!

We're not sure if the lost size has been transferred to Ben and Joe's very large mugs, or if it's just lost somewhere in the Earl. What we do know is he's gonna have a rough ass time getting that giant cider in his itty bitty mouth.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Local Atlantan Breaks World Record


It's true, hard to believe. But after an exuberant number of submissions (THIRTEEN), The Guinness Book of World Records has released that a new record has been set. We're pleased and proud to announce that one of Atlanta's own has accomplished what no other could without a very specific genetic nucleotide..."World's Longest Nose"! This is obviously a product of selective breeding and we'll be sure to keep you apprised of any new genetic recombinations and linkages.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Bret Michaels Cancels Rick's Birthday


It appears that Bret Michael's new quest for love has had a devastating effect on Lay Down Mains guitarist, Rickky. With its immense awesomeness, the second season premiere of Rock of Love has caused half the city to take to their TV sets, totally disregarding Rickky's big three-five. In fact, a recent party made in Rick's honor took a drastic turn when Michaels came onto the scene. All attendees scoffed at Rick's attempt for a steak dinner, opting instead to wear bandanas and drink Bret's Brew.


But, according to a secret source, the lack of interest in Rick's Birthday comes not from Bret's new babes, but rather from the city's disgust at Rickky's recent appointment to Second in Command of the Macon based Kneeloons. Looks like Rickky's tour may just have ended here.

Two Lonely Hearts


Late last week, two local musicians survived three days stranded in a cave without booze, clean Dickies shirts, or their guitars. They apparently bid their time by writing new lyrics for thier band, such as the soon-to-be #62 hit below:

The forest is green
and I am white.
I'm so sad
there's no El Myr tonight.

When asked what they did to keep warm, both looked at each other and winked. Seems we don't really want to know.

Close Call!

This just in! Four highly recognizable faces were overcome with toxic pot smoke during a recent trip to the Mountains. After several close calls at the Transylvania County Health Clinic (including a Herpes scare), the foursome headed back to the cabin to relax and repeatedly watch I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.

Despite the continuous on-slot of gayness, they did not escape unharmed. Within a few hours, strange effects began to emerge. What, you ask? Well, almost simultaneously they had the sudden urge to put on their pajamas and break out some reggae jams. The secretly taped footage (hence the awkward angle) can be seen below. It was later rumored they all engaged in a nude eating binge, but no proof has been found.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Thursday, January 3, 2008

How Many....

Ching Chong's does it take to fulfill one Brit Brit?

Clit CLAP

It appears Ben-j-scene's new testosterone injections have caused him to develop an affliction for "The Beneath My Wings" and a miniature erection. Apparently all blow-job simulations point to Yes!

Bangin' In Da Hood

The latest hairstyle from Ponce to Ponce appears to be bangs-n-bangs. You see what we see muthafuckers?

Award Time


We at ATLWeekly like giving. This years gift goes to "Hustla of the Year". Here ya go, keep on givin' Shirly Jean!

Reebok or Retard?

We thought Reeboks lost their pump in the 80's, but apparently their aerobic capacity have made a cumback.


Which ATLrockster is keeping their jazzersize juices a'flowin. Find out after the jump.
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Yep, that would be 1 Matt-T Weave.

Pearl Necklace

We thought pearl necklaces were made of white, but apparently when projected out the other end, they cum black. Here is proof: