Sign This Shit

You'd think it was 1908 and we were still makin' snake juice in backwoods moonshine stills. But it ain't. It's 2008 and we need to get us some beer on Sundays.

If not for the comment below alone, please sign the petition HERE to allow for Sunday alcohol sales:

"We're clearly going to respond. We have to," said Georgia Christian Coalition President Jim Beck. "We will obviously be letting everybody know the death merchants are back at work."

Do they not know that we're still up Sunday morning so technically it's still Saturday to us!

Sign it.

Who's More Hood?

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As rival gangs continue to stir up trouble, Atlantans are being forced to pick sides. The city is way scared. These bad motherfuckers are obviously threatening and capable of imposing grave danger on innocent civilians. Be careful out there.

Whose Got Atlanta's Biggest Bulge?

We sited this local Atlantanite leaving the Golds Gym in Duluth on Tuesday night and couldn't help but notice that his muscles are pumping. We're sure he's put in long hours of hard work, and that steroids have not been a factor. Can you recognize who owns these muscle-pulsing-tan-rocks-of-steal? Find out who after the jump.

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That's right, a drastic change from his normal streetwear look, P. Hill really goes to great lengths to keep his bod undercover. We predict these efforts are for warding off the voluptuous rock star types that he is constantly in contact with. Which look do you prefer? Should P.Hill keep it covered or take it all off?

Wonders of the Web

Sick Circus Tricks. Make a Donation. http://english.savechinastigers.org/

Local Band Ablaze

Fresh from a night of rocking The Jinx in Savannah, the All Night Drug Prowling Wolves hit the road early on Sunday in anticipation of arriving back home to Atlanta. What happened next, no one could have expected.

Sources are slowly coming forward to reveal there was a sinister plot brewing to keep the boys from getting home in one piece. As soon as reaching the town of Dublin, the rockers fell victim to an explosive car bomb.


What we're now learning is that rival band, Gentlemen Jesse and His Men, ignited the bomb. Obviously peeved by the Wolves insistance on playing an encore the evening before (a blatant attempt at scene-stealing), Jesse put together an elaborate scheme to shut the rival rockers up. Little did he know, one of his own Men was in the Wolves van - and because of his small stature could have been the first to blow.


However, thanks to Mlo's quick thinking and extensive mechanic experience, all musicians and equipment were removed from the van before the explosion lit up HWY-16.

Authorities and firefighters worked the scene, where all charred remains have been taken into custody. We expect there will be charges filed.

Wonders of the Web

This is Sylvester Stallone's (a.k.a Rambo's) mom.
She should probably consider some plastic surgery.

Separated at Birth

We're having some difficulty deciphering whether we should be concerned about one of our favorite local scenesters. However, with anorexia and pot smoking on the rise, it's not worth taking any chances here. It appears local rockstar Mlo's head is shrinking!

We're not sure if the lost size has been transferred to Ben and Joe's very large mugs, or if it's just lost somewhere in the Earl. What we do know is he's gonna have a rough ass time getting that giant cider in his itty bitty mouth.

Local Atlantan Breaks World Record

It's true, hard to believe. But after an exuberant number of submissions (THIRTEEN), The Guinness Book of World Records has released that a new record has been set. We're pleased and proud to announce that one of Atlanta's own has accomplished what no other could without a very specific genetic nucleotide..."World's Longest Nose"! This is obviously a product of selective breeding and we'll be sure to keep you apprised of any new genetic recombinations and linkages.

Bret Michaels Cancels Rick's Birthday

It appears that Bret Michael's new quest for love has had a devastating effect on Lay Down Mains guitarist, Rickky. With its immense awesomeness, the second season premiere of Rock of Love has caused half the city to take to their TV sets, totally disregarding Rickky's big three-five. In fact, a recent party made in Rick's honor took a drastic turn when Michaels came onto the scene. All attendees scoffed at Rick's attempt for a steak dinner, opting instead to wear bandanas and drink Bret's Brew.


But, according to a secret source, the lack of interest in Rick's Birthday comes not from Bret's new babes, but rather from the city's disgust at Rickky's recent appointment to Second in Command of the Macon based Kneeloons. Looks like Rickky's tour may just have ended here.

Two Lonely Hearts

Late last week, two local musicians survived three days stranded in a cave without booze, clean Dickies shirts, or their guitars. They apparently bid their time by writing new lyrics for thier band, such as the soon-to-be #62 hit below:

The forest is green
and I am white.
I'm so sad
there's no El Myr tonight.

When asked what they did to keep warm, both looked at each other and winked. Seems we don't really want to know.

Close Call!

This just in! Four highly recognizable faces were overcome with toxic pot smoke during a recent trip to the Mountains. After several close calls at the Transylvania County Health Clinic (including a Herpes scare), the foursome headed back to the cabin to relax and repeatedly watch I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.

Despite the continuous on-slot of gayness, they did not escape unharmed. Within a few hours, strange effects began to emerge. What, you ask? Well, almost simultaneously they had the sudden urge to put on their pajamas and break out some reggae jams. The secretly taped footage (hence the awkward angle) can be seen below. It was later rumored they all engaged in a nude eating binge, but no proof has been found.

Wonders of the Web

Meet Snakegirl:

How Many....

Ching Chong's does it take to fulfill one Brit Brit?

Clit CLAP

It appears Ben-j-scene's new testosterone injections have caused him to develop an affliction for "The Beneath My Wings" and a miniature erection. Apparently all blow-job simulations point to Yes!

Bangin' In Da Hood

The latest hairstyle from Ponce to Ponce appears to be bangs-n-bangs. You see what we see muthafuckers?

Award Time

We at ATLWeekly like giving. This years gift goes to "Hustla of the Year". Here ya go, keep on givin' Shirly Jean!

Reebok or Retard?

We thought Reeboks lost their pump in the 80's, but apparently their aerobic capacity have made a cumback.


Which ATLrockster is keeping their jazzersize juices a'flowin. Find out after the jump.
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Yep, that would be 1 Matt-T Weave.

Pearl Necklace

We thought pearl necklaces were made of white, but apparently when projected out the other end, they cum black. Here is proof:

Lost Love

It is always sad when an obsession meets its fatal end. And this case is no exception. Matty Weave has spent countless nights, and bathroom breaks at the high-end architectural firm he is employed by, thinking of ways to make Jessica Alba coo. Dirty, dirty ways. So when it was reported this week that she is preggers by another man, we at ATLWeekly knew it had deeply penetrated Matty's vulnerable ego, and heart.
We commemorate what once was, 'cause that's how we do.

Props

We'd like to give a big ups to the dudes over at Dry Ink for winning Atlanta Magazine's Best Webzine. While still a bit miffed we weren't mentioned, we think they deserve this way more than any other asshole blog in this fair city. Way to go guys!

Wonders of the Web

Trouble in Paradise?

Could there be trouble brewing between Atlanta's best looking bartender and her door-keeping boy toy?


According to our sources, the answer is yes - there seems to be quite a bit of ice forming between these festive lovers. Recent spys snapped the following pic last weekend, and it looks like J's been Ho, Ho, Ho-in' it with the fat bearded guy. Even more shocking (!!!) is that D's way more into the bitch he's holding than Santa, the Elves, and J's hooch combined. The proof? Later in the day some massive howling was heard coming from behind Aurora. Talk about throwing a dog a bone!

Wonders of the Web

We'll let y'all figure this one out.

Wonders of the Web

This is a new daily section where we post random things we find on the internet that may or may not interest you. We really don't care. We're just trying to keep you on the beat.

And now, today's entry:

This is Nicolas Cage's son.


That is all.

Manorexia Mayhem!

Forget puking and laxative loads. Local heartslob, Ben ThrowHer, has found a new way to stay slim. Never one to turn down a Ho-Ho or Snacky Cake, he’s been keeping his oval-ish figure by performing impromptu street workouts. In fact, last week he was seen doing Kettlebell Thrusts in the El Bar parking lot while saying, “This burns like four calories per second,” and, “How my pecs look? How my pecs look, bitches!!”


And frankly, they look good - all his random pumpin’ has paid off. Not only with the “bitches,” as seen above at local celebutante Lizlow’s Southern Comfort Birthday Party. But he’s also got a series of fitness tapes in the works, all aimed at firming up flabby scensters. According to IMDB, the first release will be entitled "Buff Ben’s Barstool Boxing". Let’s hope that shit’s on iTunes!